From Despair to Depth

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What’s your story? And where are you in your life’s story?

I’m at the joining point of many threads — and for years I despaired of ever getting to a point where I felt at peace and at purpose. You know those prayers or intentions where you declare that you want to be of service to others? Well, for too many years I felt that I was the one who needed the help, the service, the guidance, the understanding that I wanted ideally to share with others.

You see, like many, I grew up entirely dominated by the desires and whims of my father, a sad man who pushed his own trauma out onto his family. My lifeline, when I was a young woman, was my faith. I got my nourishment from the nuns who taught in my schools; I even entered the convent at 19 until I left to go to graduate school in — what else?— Theology!

It was there where things fell apart. Finally escaped from a traumatic homelife, I began to experience the corruption, control-domination, and sexual abuse in the man-made hierarchies of the faith that had kept me alive. It devastated me. My eyes were opened to a wide world where so many people suffered through no fault of their own. Good God? Take a look around — hard to understand how a good God would allow such suffering and injustice.

I left my doctoral work in theology, heart sick and feeling spiritually abandoned. My inner life felt bereft, even though I made a career in working to heal and eradicate violence against women and children. But in that world, anger and burn-out was rampant among the workers. Almost everyone I knew had to take antidepressants just to do their jobs. How do people survive? How to do good work for justice — for the long haul?

My health suffered. Yet through those years I kept my practice of 20 minutes a day of meditation, or quiet time, even though I often felt like it was just a waste of time, cuz how do you pray to something you want to believe in, but can’t? I figured that even if it were a waste of time, it was better than junk television — or another meeting!

Little by little, I found direction. I read a million books from wise teachers, and tried many, many practices. Now, I don’t know if there is a God like in the ideas I was taught, but I do know that there is something within humans that yearns to unite the deepest self with that which is the largest and most loving energy that we can imagine. If we listen for it, if we pay attention to it.

Over the last few years I’ve written all of what I learned in how to listen to that, how to pay attention to that aspect of life, plus I’ve also discovered that doing so deeply matters, that it is the way to create a world worth living in. It is a way to live that supports and energizes the work we do to thrive against the forces that want to shrink our lives and steal our freedom — the freedom of thought and freedom of action.

I’m now in the midst of launching this heart-felt, life-earned writing! My book is finished and available, and in a couple of days I’ll be giving you all the information of what it’s about and how to get it. Sneak peeks: look me up on amazon!

Dear Friends,

Thank you for being one of the subscribers to my blog.  I’ve just redone my entire website and moved it to mailerlite rather than wordpress.  I am moving all my current subscribers to my new address so that you will continue to receive my blog posts.

You don’t need to do anything to keep receiving my posts.  I just wanted to let you know what’s happening in case the posts look a little different.  Of course, if your interests have changed, you can easily unsubscribe — no hard feelings!

I invite you to look around my new website at www.catcharissage.com.  Yes, that address used to connect with this now archived blog. The new website has been completely renewed, and reflects my current work and interests in quite a colorful way. There may be a few glitches there until I officially launch it (and my new book!) on September 9, and if you see anything that isn’t working, please let me know. I hope to continue writing posts, making art and writing poetry that fills people with encouragement and hope, along with the behind the scenes stories of my real life.

My new book, Wildflower Seeds: the Beauties of a Reflective Life, will be launched on September 9, and will be available on amazon.com, amazon.ca, and other amazon sites around the world.  At that date, the entire Introduction to the book will be available to read under the “Look Inside” feature on the amazon site.  I do hope that you will check it out!

Thank you again for being a subscriber to my blog!

With much love and many blessings,

Cat Charissage

I got home a week ago from my trip to Colorado to take a training intensive from my beloved teacher Dr. Clarissa Pinkola Estes. It was on Storytelling, especially the kind of informal storytelling we do in families and friendships, where we share life’s details, craziness, and wisdom. It was great to go, and great to come back home, too. Especially when I slept on strange beds and couldn’t take my Lazyboy chair with me! I should say “Didn’t sleep. . . ” I came home exhausted.

I drove both ways, 2 1/2 days each — Lethbridge to Billings, Montana, Billings to Wheatland, Wyoming, and Wheatland to Sunrise Ranch, the training venue, in Loveland, Colorado. They grow crazy cowboy drivers in Montana: already speeding along at 85 mph (about 130 kph, when the speed limit in Canada never exceeds 110 kph), there’s a four hour stretch of 2-lane highway from central Montana to southeast Montana that’s supposed to have a lower speed limit of 75 mph.

Yeah, right. . . Well, let me just say that going any slower than 85-90 mph would have caused a danger to the other drivers. So I’m tootling along faster than I ever drive with all these guys in big trucks with Montana license plates passing me regularly, scaring me spitless as they whoosh by.

Then I see a car far in front of me that I’m catching up to really quickly. I knew that I’d better prepare to pass it, but there is a whole convoy of cars and trucks in the oncoming lane. Right about then I realize that the car in front of me is coming in MY direction, in MY lane, barrelling faster than I’ve ever seen a car go on a public road! He was speeding up dramatically to try to pass that convoy before hitting me in a head-on collision! I frantically slowed down, checking to see who was behind me. Not enough — I pulled onto the shoulder of the road and passed the oncoming car going about 70 mph. Good thing the shoulder was wide enough for my car!

Well, after that, Canada was a downright boring drive. But just my speed!

I’ve been resting up and prioritizing the VERY IMPORTANT TASKS in front of me. I just received the formatted copy of my new book to proof, and I’m just finishing up my new website! An exciting, busy, fulfilling time! I’ll keep you posted.

Sunday, July 2, 2023

When I was a little girl, my teacher tried to help us picture what heaven would be like. She said “What do you like to do, most of all? What do you like to have? Well, in heaven you’ll have it — as much as you want, and more!”

And right there and then, I knew that my heaven would be a comfy chair with a neverending supply of Nancy Drew mystery stories on one side, and a neverending supply of Coke and potato chips on the other!

Even now, when I need to get away from the world, I tell my guys (spouse and son) “I’m going to heaven tonight. Don’t bother me!” and set up camp in the Lazy Boy chair with a mystery novel (or two) and plenty of Coke Zero and potato chips.

Lately I’ve been reading the Brother Cadfael mystery novels by Ellis Peters. A friend of mine managed to collect the entire series and gifted them to me. Now that I’m almost finished with them, I’ve been pondering on what our guilty pleasures tell us about ourselves.

Much of the time, our guilty pleasures are actually not quite so guilty at all. They’re simply an indulgence in the closest we can get to what is missing in our lives: escape and relaxation, romance, intellectual stimulation without any responsibility, a little rebellion or excitement, satiation of cravings, especially sweet and/or salty ones, etc.

Since Nancy Drew, I’ve read dozens of mystery novel series. Most mysteries don’t do it for me these days — I don’t like the police procedurals, nor the cutesy ones where the cat solves the crime or the chef “detective” solves the case with a cake recipe. (Not dissing anyone else’s taste!) Remember “Murder, She Wrote”? I always wondered how we were supposed to believe that there were so many murders in such a quaint small town — one a week!

I don’t go for the blood and gore mysteries, nor the sadistic serial murderer who tortures his victims but works as a mild mannered lawyer by day. I don’t like gritty urban alcoholic detectives fighting their own demons. I truly dislike the P.D. James sub-genre of “beautiful charming picture perfect village where, underneath the idyllic surface, some long-term citizens bear 100 year old grudges, twisted minds indulging in the most peculiar and horrific murders of innocent descendants of the blood feud.”

Real life scares me quite enough, thank you very much! I don’t need to be reminded of horror lurking underneath the surface.

And I REALLY don’t like the ones where the “bad guy” is not caught! Hannibal Lector, anyone? Keep your doors locked!

Most mystery novels, though, presume that life is mostly safe and orderly, but someone brings a dash of chaos into this calm ordinary reality. Once that someone is caught and removed from proper society, life can go back to its predictable order. These kinds of mysteries don’t ring true to me — I don’t see life as safe and orderly, and I don’t think finding and removing one “bad guy” is going to solve our problems.

The mysteries I love are the Louise Penny types, or Brother Cadfael types. I love a good novel that helps me understand why seemingly ordinary people can cause so much suffering, especially where the crime-solver is thoughtful and mature, able to see deeply how hurt people hurt other people, able to thoroughly empathize with the fallout suffering of survivors in a world that too often is a trauma generator rather than the kingdom of God here on earth.

In Brother Cadfael’s world, twelfth century England, the civil war causes waste and havoc for people just trying to live their lives. Suffering is the unwelcome guest, causing more suffering wherever it travels. Brother Cadfael understands this, yet is committed to a life of healing who he can when he can, offering mercy and safe haven wherever he can. He is always encouraging those in power to take the long view in order to create a society where human foibles are balanced with communal responsibilities and the worst of revenge is suitably contained.

Methinks I want to be Brother Cadfael, or Louise Penny’s Armand Gamache, when I grow up! I love peeking into their fictitious lives where I understand their struggles and am encouraged by their successes. Their successes may be tiny or large, but each success is a ripple in the pond spreading a little peace and justice. I am buoyed by their goodness.

And, my cravings for salty crunchy treats are satisfied, too!

So what are your guilty pleasures? What do they give you that you might not be getting in any other way? What are they satiating?

Last week I wrote about several of the wonderful things I am working on these days.

AND AT THE SAME TIME. . . .

One of the things that often makes us feel bad about ourselves when looking at social media is that we’re seeing the shiny highlight reels of other people’s lives while we’re struggling in the midst of our own  difficulties.

So I thought that I’d also write about the  no-so-shiny things of my life. 

I’m not looking for sympathy or for help — I’m handling it all as well as possible.  I’m just wanting to be honest about the realities almost all of us live in at one time or another. Hopefully, then, you won’t feel all alone in the hard times.  

Many of you know that I’ve lived with chronic pain for more than forty years.  Yes, FOUR DECADES!  Plus half a dozen other chronic conditions that aren’t fun.

The thing about chronic pain is that it’s almost always there, and it’s improbable that it will ever go away for good. Some days I do pretty well, focusing what energy I have into projects that bring joy. Some days are really bad, though, and often I have no idea why.

Night times are difficult; I’m woken up every night 3 to 7 times because of something hurting badly enough to wrench me awake, and it can take quite a while to get back to sleep. I am one acquainted with the night. 

Sometimes I wish so badly I could leave dear body in the comfy recliner chair while I go on about my business, but the reality is that I’m not just a body or a soul or a mind, but just one “me,” inseparable. Everything affects everything else, including triggers that we know nothing about. 

Add to that past trauma, plus the uncovering of ancestral trauma, plus being empathically connected with people and their stories. And worry about the people in my life. Sometimes it seems that compassion, which is usually a very very good thing, seems to just end up causing more pain. It’s enough to make a person drown themselves in potato chips and mystery novels!

You know, I think we’re just as conscious as we can bear at any moment.  Disassociation or mindless distraction is an ever-present temptation for me.  (I’m not talking here of dissociative disorders, but just the garden-variety numbing of oneself from difficult realities.)

And aging! Aging is way better than the alternative, but is an ongoing process of letting go while carrying more aches and pains!  Hearing goes, cataracts grow, muscles and bones deteriorate, and teeth act up. And fatigue —- oh my, the fatigue! — becomes a constant companion.

BUTANDALSO, this isn’t a competition in the “Who suffers most?” category! So many of us have other struggles, many much more difficult. I have a home, a family, and friends. I have healthcare, and I live in a country at peace.  For me, the best way to keep on keeping on is to listen closely to the needs of dear body, focus on two or three projects which bring joy, and always try to keep in front of me that which is good and beautiful.

There’s always some beauty somewhere!

Dear Friends,

Only a few years ago, in the midst of running Story Circles and encouraging my son through university, I yearned for the “Creative Life”.  Yes, of course my life was creative then, but I’m talking here of a Grade A Fantasy “CREATIVE LIFE”:  you know, hours in my comfy chair reading poetry and then writing poetry; uninterrupted hours to edit my latest chapter or article; wordless afternoons of painting. I never told any real artist of my fantasy because I had a suspicion that they might laugh at my vision.  Well, now I’m the one laughing!  Welcome to my computer-filled day and messy desk! 

Today had a clear calendar — a writing day.  Yes, I’m here in my study, writing (this blog post!)  Lunch smoothie is at hand (at 3:30 p.m.), and I’ve just transferred the second load of clothes to the dryer. My goal for today was/is to bring a little planning to my life online and write my New Moon post.  (Happy New Moon!  Remember, the New Moon is symbolically associated with starting a new project after the quiet rest of the Dark Moon.  What energy is arising now in your life?  What will you devote that energy toward?)

I’m devoting my energy to the three projects in flux at the moment:  1) getting “THE BOOK” ready for publication, 2) getting the second edition of my poetry collection “Open to Mystery” reprinted and available online, and 3) figuring out how to share my authentic voice online in my blog, on FaceBook, and on Instagram in a regular and sustainable way.

“THE BOOK”, as it’s called here in my household, has gone through a name change:  in response to an early morning inspiration it’s now titled WILDFLOWER SEEDS: the beauties of a reflective life.  The metaphor of wildflowers suits the practices of a reflective life so well:  simple beauty within our everyday life, but so often mowed down, stepped on, or peed upon.  But remember, even the widely hated dandelion carries the medicine that may heal us of the cancers caused by the toxins used to destroy it!  We need the wildflowers.

So there are a few revisions I’m in the midst of, and then, no small chore, trying to figure out how to make THE BOOK available for purchase, both e-book and print book.  Making my Poetry Chapbook available online was supposed to be the learning curve and trial run for THE BOOK — well, hours and hours and hours later, along with hours of help from not one, but two experienced self-published authors, and I’m still in the midst — it feels like the beginning — of that learning curve.

My so-called writing life last week consisted of struggling with the printer of the hand-bound copies of the chapbook.  The first printing was so totally messed up that they gave me back my money and started over.  That doesn’t sound too serious, except that every trip to the printer entailed a few hours, exhaustion, plus a day to rest up!  

And being online, authentically, is an ongoing background thrum of my days. I now collect ideas to share just as I collect the things I want to talk about with my friends when I see them. What at first seemed like a burden is beginning to feel like a blessing and, dare I say, fun! I’m still not in the rhythm of it: what best is a blog post?  What deserves a FB post?  What’s visual for Instagram?  (Gotta remember to photograph my paintings!!!)  But I’ll get there.

Thank you for reading.  Thank you, for joining me in this adventure of a reflective, creative life. We shall carry on!

With much love and many blessings,

Cat

My days are quite full, and for the first time in my life I’m happy to get to work each day. Well, not on the days when I’m tearing my hair out because the computer won’t cooperate! Most days, though, the computer and I live in a fragile peace, and I’m grateful that it helps me to share my ideas with others and encourage those who need a little heartfulness.

The book I’ve been working on for 3 years will be published this summer (YAY!!!), and I’m very excited. As well, the chapbook of my poetry, Open to Mystery, is being revised, with new poems to be included. The new edition will be out in a few months, and available for purchase online as well as hand-bound copies available directly from me.

I’m finally beginning to see years of quiet background work come together into tangible offerings to share with others. I couldn’t be more grateful that it’s finally happening.

Also, I’m increasing my presence on social media! I know that not everyone reads physical books these days, and have been wondering how to share my ideas about living a reflective life and HOW to do so in enjoyable ways that can end up influencing the world around us. I may be a little late to the party, but it (finally) occurred to me that I could do that online. Duh!

So I have lots of meaningful work to do, lots to make happen, AND, I know what to do next, and each next step is actually possible for me to do.

You see, I’ve spent most of my life not exactly sure of what I should do each day.

Working as the Director of a Sexual Assault Center, and then more recently, home educating my son afforded me the blessing of being able to choose which particular tasks I took on each day. Being the “boss” meant that I had broad guidelines as my mission, but it was up to me how I accomplished those broad aims. “Develop services to help heal those sexually assaulted and educate the public around the prevalence and causes of violence against women.” “Educate my son so that he is equipped to be a contributing and effective member of society.”

And what I chose to do mattered. What I did or didn’t do had ramifications for others, but there was no one who could tell me each day who I should talk to, what i should write, which meeting to attend, or how to get a wiggly 7 year old boy to learn math. While I tried to plan and prioritize with few resources, women weren’t getting the services they needed, and a little boy kept growing right in front of me.

For years and years and years, I hated to get up! For years and years and years, I was sleep deprived and had so much pain from fibromyalgia. Yet I hauled myself out of bed when the alarming clock shocked me out of whatever dream I was in the middle of. I would stagger myself into my day, and just do my best.

Thankfully, in more recent years I’ve been able to care for dear body better. I now am able to sleep as long as I need to, and that helps the fibro immensely.

And knowing what next needs to be done, and knowing that it matters, allows me to wake up happy to get at it!

When have you been happy to get your day underway, and when have you longed to just stay in bed? Whatever freedoms you have in your life, as much as possible, use them to make your life suit YOU.

May you have good work to do and be able to do it without depletion.

Happy New Moon as the energy of this spring arises!

With much love and many blessings,

Cat

My birth tradition is Catholic Christianity. Butandalso I have moved deeper and wider as life has unfolded. Today is Easter in that tradition. For me, the message that holds is that death isn’t the end of the story. No matter what the deaths in life, the breakings, the sufferings — there is the possibility that something new will come. When Jesus was killed, it wasn’t the end of the story. We’re told that in some mysterious way his friends and accomplices experienced him as wholly alive, loving, WITH them —- and also, still with his wounds from being nailed to a cross.

Our scars are our medals bearing witness to all that we have been through.

Take heart. This isn’t the end. There’s always more story to come.

Happy Spring!

Ever feel like so much is going on, swirling around you, that you feel rather overwhelmed? (“Of course not,” you say. “My life is perfectly balanced and organized!” Yeah, right!) Nothing terribly bad nor even terribly important is going on right now —- it’s just that there’s a lot! Like being nibbled to death by ducks. Each single nibble isn’t painful; it might even be fun and stimulating! But when the whole flock nibbles. . . .

One of my ongoing annoyances is a pile of so many tabs open on my computer that I can no longer even read the titles. And they pressure me. It all feels like stuff I’m supposed to deal with right now! I come across videos that I REALLY really REALLY wanna watch, but this minute isn’t the time for it. So I keep the video open on one of my computer tabs. Well, one tab becomes 5, becomes 12, becomes 20. My spouse offered to teach me how to have different pages of tabs so that I could keep many times more tabs open! I’m sure that doesn’t happen to you, ever (!) And then I add a few (dozen) podcasts that would be really cool to listen to. . . and my life becomes like the second of the paintings up there — so many wonderful things to reach for! (Let’s not even get into all the un-wonderful things that are swirling around. Another topic, another day!)

Well, yesterday I took the time to write in my bullet journal (actually, just my daily notebook) a list of all my “wanna watch” videos, and a separate list of things I want to listen to. Then deleted all the tabs. I thought it would take at least half an hour, but it was less than five minutes, and now I feel like my life has that purple circle in the second painting. Boundaries. Just one step away from those ducks nibbling, one step away from the tabs pressuring me. (Unfortunately, I’m easily pressured. Does anyone else feel the fresh vegetables in the refrigerator calling “Hurry! Eat me before I grow mold and die a meaningless death! I’m decaying as we speak!”)

It feels better to me that they are on a “wanna do” list next to the “to-do’s” and “must-do’s”. The pressure has lifted and I can consider them AFTER the “must-do’s” are done. The added perk is that now I always have a running list of interesting and even some delightful things to look forward to.

Whatever is pressuring you, try to find a way to park it, but without losing it. There’s plenty enough that requires our urgent attention every day. Find the difference between the truly urgent and things that are just pressuring you. Boundaries. Semi-permeable when necessary.

Hello dear friends,

Over the last day or two we’ve experienced both the New Moon in March AND the Spring Equinox of 2023 — two harbingers of change and newness. What is new in your life? Or, what can you make new yourself? What is worthy of re-newing?

Sometimes it’s as easy as shifting your perspective on what is in front of you, and I recently discovered a very literal illustration of that: look at the 8 design images above. They are all the exact same design, colored in different ways to highlight different aspects of the design. Here is a closeup where you can see the underlying design:

I wish I could say that I drew the design, but no, I only photocopied it from a coloring book of Islamic Geometric Designs.

At first glance I would never guess that they all have the same underlying image. It was what I added, that is, how I colored the images that made the results so different. And isn’t that the way with many situations in our daily lives, too?

I notice my annoyance with something my spouse does or doesn’t do. But then I remind myself of other times when I was touched by his thoughtfulness or amused by his humor. It’s especially frustrating when he’s intending to be kind yet his actions mess up some of my best laid plans. On good days I remember that I have a choice in how I look at the actions.

Here’s a poem I wrote a few years ago with a similar idea:

Our Responsibility to be Informed by Cat Charissage

How do you get your news?

How do you live out your citizenly responsibility to be informed?

In times of war it feels that we must keep up with it all,

We must know which cities are now occupied by “the enemy,”

We must watch the crowded lineups of women and children escaping the country while they can,

must keep up three, five, nine times a day as our phones “ping” another notification of death, of suffering.

We feel good knowing these things, keeping up with the latest.

We’re being responsible, well informed citizens.

We even think we know what’s really going on

Forgetting that the first casualty of war is truth.

But — what is really going on?

And did you hear about some other news?

That in Red Deer, healthy twins were born to a couple who’d yearned for ten years for a child.  And now they have two!

Did you hear about that family in Calgary whose grandparents needed to move into assisted living, renovated their home so that the grandparents could move in with them?

Did you hear that in schools around the world, teachers gently taught little ones how to read?  And not just today, but every day?

Or that in every hospital in every nation the nurses cared for their patients, and lives were saved?

Be conscious of what news you take in.

What’s really going on?

A lot more than we’re told.

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Dear friends, let us always ameliorate suffering and stand for justice, but always, always strive to see whatever beauty is in front of you. And if you just can’t find it, create some.

With much love and many blessings,

Cat