When Overwhelm and Panic Hit You Out of the Blue

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Jan. 18, 2024

My dear soul friend,

Just starting that way — “my dear soul friend” — has me picturing each one of you on my subscription list who I know, thinking of sitting with you down here at my table in my study, surrounded by books, artwork, lots of paper and art supplies and a listening heart, drinking tea and sharing stories. Remember that aroma of Bengal Spice Tea, my “house tea”? I want to share authentically and deeply, and not waste your time nor mine; time being the only resource not renewable. (Personally, I want to learn to stretch time, maybe occasionally shrink it, too!)

I want to write something worth reading, especially something that encourages you and inspires you to reflect on your life so that to the greatest extent possible you are living intentionally, meaningfully, and joyfully, even in the hard times. And these are hard times. The spring online conference of the Spiritual Directors International organization was just announced, the title being “Spiritual Companioning in the Global Dark Night of the Soul”. I don’t think they’re overdramatizing it in the least.

Even for those of us who are relatively safe and far more comfortable than those living in places like Gaza or the Ukraine, almost all of us have a family member or dear friend in deep crisis. It’s just plain hard to witness the reality of life here on Planet Earth. The spiritual teacher Ram Dass used to encourage us to walk through hell with an open heart. Uh. . . okay. . . I’ll try, I think . . .

One thing important to keep in mind these days, I believe, is to remember that even though in so many ways things are falling apart around us in society, in politics, and internationally, we can hold on to our own center. As long as we ourselves are not in immediate crisis, we don’t have to fall apart with it. How helpful is it to stay overstimulated with too much noise and too much news, too many chores and too much speed?

Although our choices to do what we want are certainly circumscribed by so much out of our control, there are still free moments where we can turn our attention to calm, to beauty, to peace. Do you have to turn on the radio as soon as you’re in the car, or worry aloud in front of your teenagers about how the future is just going to get worse?

My original intention was to write about my end of the year review and reflection. I was going to talk about the two overwhelming experiences of 2023 for me: the publication of my book Wildflower Seeds: the Beauties of a Reflective Life, and the ongoing, repeated, extreme frustration I faced with computer technology! Both experiences are still reverberating for me: deep satisfaction alongside frustration so intense that I could just spit! But that will wait until next week because I want to share my experience of this morning along with the insights that came with it.

For background, you need to know that my website was completely redesigned this year as well as migrated to a new host. Along with that I’ve adopted a new subscription mailing list with a new provider, the same as my website host. Suffice it to say that even with expert help, it has been very, very challenging and frustrating.

Well, this morning I was awakened by a low-blood sugar episode at 6:30 a.m. Feeling rather fragile, while I was doing what I needed to do and eating some yoghurt, I looked at my email only to find a notice from my website provider. Due to new practices on the part of Google and Yahoo I needed to do something or other to my sending domain. Still feeling physically shaky and just plain awful, here I was, not really awake and in a cold house, slapped with something else that I needed to do that I didn’t even understand, much less know what had to be done. But it was all my responsibility and if I didn’t do it, and do it right, something bad was going to happen. Really bad. Not only did I not understand what I was supposed to do, but none of my friends did either, and I didn’t even know who I could hire to help or how I would find someone to help or even know what kind of help I was looking for. I didn’t even know what words to put into a google search. But something bad was going to happen if I didn’t deal with it all, and deal with it soon! Adrenaline poured through my already stressed system, and I could feel the overwhelm and panic starting to take over. Remember, I’ve had a year of having to do things with the computer that I didn’t know what I was supposed to do and my frustration levels are rather hair trigger sensitive!

Fortunately, my “witnessing self” came to the fore. (How many years of meditation and practice has it taken to develop that self?!?) That witnessing self reminded me that my feelings were out of proportion to this email message and that the reason I felt so completely and totally awful was because I was physically stressed and old memories from childhood were being triggered. I know what it’s like to be powerless yet held responsible and threatened with really bad stuff happening. I had a reality check: nothing bad was really going to happen even if I didn’t do whatever it was I was supposed to do. The worst would be that I would lose access to my blog and my website. While I certainly don’t want that to happen, it’s not like I would die or my child’s life was threatened. I wasn’t alone with all this; I have friends who could help me figure out what to do, and while I don’t have the money to just hire someone to take care of all this for me, I’m sure that I could afford a consulting fee or other temporary computer help. I drank some water, took some slow deep breaths, and got warmed up under the covers again. I still had a couple of hours to sleep before I had to face my day.

I was feeling grateful that not only was the perceived threat not all that threatening, but that I had the skills to calm myself down, recover from a blood glucose low, and handle the old feelings that sprang up when hitting the frustrations of computer difficulties. I’d had plenty of practice in 2023, for sure! Of course, I usually only deal with computer frustrations when dear body is in good enough shape and in the light of day! I tried to fall back asleep.

But there was some residual panic still running through my system, and I started to think of how many people are in situations of REAL threat, where they are truly powerless and physically compromised, emotionally depleted and despairing. I felt in real touch with so much pain in the world right now, in situations of grave suffering but also within so many of us from the traumas we’ve lived through. It wasn’t a witness of the pain, though, but a sharing of it that I felt could truly push me into serious overwhelm and depression.

Grace, and witnessing self, were available though, again, and I committed, again, to working toward a world where humans are resourced and kept safe, wanting to pass on the good things that I’ve both been given and have developed.

I was reminded of a conversation with my spouse where I was sharing how frustrated I was when progress seems so slow and dear body is even slower. I remembered that each day provides another chance to try again, to make haste, slowly. I remembered that I’m learning to measure my progress not as a goal reached, but as a choice to keep on keeping on, a chance to show up, saying “Here I am!”

May grace and the witnessing self accompany you, too. Keep on keeping on, and don’t measure yourself by what you accomplish, but by continuing to show up to your life, as painful and as glorious as it is.

With much love and many blessings,

Cat