Category Archives: Uncategorized

“What you can plan is too small for you to live”

Dear Friends,

Last week, I talked about my List-Less Alligator.  Then a poem came to my attention that has the lines (apropos of my trying to live without to-do lists or strict plans) “What you can plan is too small for you to live.  What you can live wholeheartedly will make plans enough for the vitality hidden in your sleep.”  I love these little messages that remind us of the possibility of deep meaning.  Here’s the whole poem, by David Whyte:

What to Remember When Waking

In that first hardly noticed moment in which you wake,

coming back to this life from the other

more secret, moveable and frighteningly honest world

where everything began,

there is a small opening into the new day

which closes the moment you begin your plans.

 

What you can plan is too small for you to live.

What you can live wholeheartedly will make plans enough

for the vitality hidden in your sleep.

 

To be human is to become visible

while carrying what is hidden as a gift to others.

To remember the other world in this world

is to live in your true inheritance.

 

You are not a troubled guest on this earth,

you are not an accident amidst other accidents

You were invited from another and greater night

than the one from which you have just emerged.

 

Now, looking through the slanting light of the morning window

toward the mountain presence of everything that can be

what urgency calls you to your one love?

What shape waits in the seed of you

to grow and spread its branches

against a future sky?

 

Is it waiting in the fertile sea?

In the trees beyond the house?

In the life you can imagine for yourself?

In the open and lovely white page on the waiting desk?

 

Dear friends, may you have a lovely week ahead.

With love,

Cat

One Part plus One Part equals More than Enough

IMG_0765

Dear Friends,

This painting has to do with my intention to more fully integrate my physical body with my soul/mind/spirit.  I was inspired by the idea of two interlocking circles, where the overlap is in the shape of a mandorla, or vesica piscis, a shape that has had many meanings over the centuries.  It’s “where it’s at,” however you might define “it”.  In my mandorla sits the rose, symbolic of the unfolding mystery of life, as it is living itself out within who I am.  The swirling tree in both sides of me connotes growth, and the tree is rooted in the river, the river of life.  The colors of both sides are represented in the other side, as each side actually started out the other color.  There is no real separation within us.

The heart shape, symbolizing love and acceptance, is repeated in both the body and in the shape of the hands.

On my shoulders are a magpie and an alligator.  Every time I go out of the house, and most any time I look out a window, I see first a magpie.  For me, they remind me that there is more to life than the mundane, as they, with crows and ravens, have often signified the spiritual dimension.  Magpies also remind me to use my voice.

The alligator, an animal that has not shown up in my psyche before, came to me in a dream the night I set my intention for the painting.  I dreamed of two boys each leading an alligator as one would lead a dog.  One boy was very young, maybe 4-6 years old, and his alligator was young, in great health, and very magnificent.  The other boy was maybe 10-12, but his alligator seemed very old, tired, lacklustre, and listless.  The word “listless” seemed very, very important in the dream.  At first I didn’t want to look at the second alligator, but when I finally did, I found that it looked as though it had survived a “great something.”  It looked as though it had been through a lot, but was S.S., as Dr. Estes would say, “still standing.”  I found myself really admiring that alligator.  In the dream I realized that “listless” was a pun:  that it really meant for me “list-less,” as in, “without a list.”  Those of you who have known me for awhile know that I have lived by my many lists of things to do, things I might do, people to call, posts to write, etc.  I sensed strongly that I need to be “list-less” for at least awhile.

After playing with the dream for awhile, I realize that I am the older alligator, having been through some great somethings, yet still standing.  And that my psyche was telling me to be “list-less” at least for awhile.  The dream was profound, and as I looked up some symbolisms for alligator, I found that as reptiles, alligators rely on their environments to keep them healthy and energetic —- if it is too hot or too cold, reptiles cannot regulate their body temperature and are at risk.  I, too, have become exquisitely sensitive to whatever environment I am in.

Alligators are also, among reptiles, unusual mothers in that they help their young hatch from the eggs, then carry them in their mouths down to the water, and stay with them for several months.  They are associated with the Great Mother.  For the past 18 years, my primary identity and self-understanding has been as mother — perhaps, too, an unusual mother in many ways.

I chose to represent the alligator in a pose reminiscent of the ouroboros, a snake biting its own tail, symbolic of many things, but primarily that of full circle completion: wholeness.  It also symbolizes one who has incorporated its opposite, or shadow.  Both meanings are ones I would like to incorporate into myself, and both grow out of my intention to more fully unite with my physicality.

And the waning moon, so beautiful, refers to my life now where more years are behind me than in front of me.  It is a beautiful time of life, as are all the times of our lives, as are all the phases of the moon.

Part of the reason I’ve gone into this rather detailed explanation of the painting is that I wanted to give an example of how I work with symbolism, dreams, and intentions while painting.  I find it especially interesting how dreams are often a commentary from the greater psyche on whatever it is that we’re occupied with on a conscious level.

I also want to highlight that besides image, symbolism, dream, and intention, I have also added “word” by way of the poem that accompanies this painting.  (See http://catcharissage.com/2013/11/13/a-new-poem/)

Do you work with your dreams in image or word?  What kinds of symbolism do you find personally meaningful?

May you be blessed in ways immediately recognizable and truly useful, and with love,

Cat

A new poem

Dear Friends,

The painting is almost finished, and I want to share the piece I wrote that it inspired:

O Wonder of all that is

How marvelous that there is something rather than nothing.

All that is, moves, interpenetrates.

Where is there to go, but right here?

What is more important than to attend to this,

this conscious materiality within me, in front of me?

My opening to this universe, this “one turning,” is my dear body.

Dear body, though, is often literally a pain.

My opening to all that is runs through a material tired, worn.

My material:  my matter, from Latin ‘mater’.  Mother.

Mother of my self, my soul,

may my soul be mother of my self, my matter – – – 

And it is.

It’s not that the soul is in the body.

The body is within the soul.

Any my soul moves within yours, in compassion, ‘suffering with’

just as the molecules of my exhaling

are taken into your materiality 

in the next breath.

Watch!  Attend to this!

How much of my materiality has taken in the pain around me?

Plenty.

And I take myself within the arms that have taken in so many, so much.

What do I ache for?

For this, for all of this.

I want to know in every moment of consciousness 

how inseparable my materiality is with whoever “me” is.

And know that I contain multititudes,

And magnitudes, of love.

 

Much warmth to you,

Cat

Good News/Bad News

  IMG_0760 IMG_0762 IMG_0763

work in progress

Dear Friends,

I had x-rays last week.  I have a lot of pain in my lower back, outer hips and bum that feels different from the fibromyalgia.  Good news:  my hip joints are fine.  Bad news:  my lower back shows severe arthritis, so much so that some of the vertebrae are bone on bone.  No wonder it hurts, eh?  There are also tons of nerves and tendons that connect all around there.  Since the arthritis contributes to soft tissues being irritated and inflamed, this is probably causing the other pain I have in outer hips and bum. (A little fibromyalgic humor:  You know you have fibromyalgia when you’re actually glad when the doctors find something wrong with you on an x-ray.)

There isn’t much to be done.  I’m already taking what medications would be prescribed.  They replace hip joints, but not lower backs.  Exercise as I can tolerate.  (Check.)  It would be great to lose weight, but with taking insulin for diabetes, even with a perfect diet it’s difficult to not gain weight, much less lose it.  Glucosamine makes my blood sugar higher, which if I started it again would mean more insulin, which might lead to further weight gain. I felt I was left with “I’m sorry, you’re all wore out, go home and live with it.”  I’ve been bummed out.  Feeling damned if I do, damned if I don’t.  Feeling like how I feel today might be the best I feel for the rest of my life.  And I’m not feeling so hot today.

From a depth dimension point of view, though, what is fascinating about this are the synchronicities of this with my current painting, and with some of my recent dreams.  A few days before I got the x-rays done, I started a new painting on the theme of Alchemical Marriage. It is about bringing opposites together into a new transformative mix that leads to something that is not yet apparent.  What or whom do I want to be united with in a transformative union?  What came to me strongly is that I need to pay more attention on a minute by minute basis to how I’m feeling in my body.  Do I need to sit, stretch, or walk?  Should I carry on through the pain?  This is a tricky business, as distraction is one healthy way of dealing with chronic pain.  Yet I know that I separate myself from my bodily perceptions more than is best for the long term. (see The Catch 22 of Chronic Pain)

My practice is to set an intention for a painting before I do anything else with the canvas.  This time, the alchemical marriage is to be about uniting my care of mind/spirit with care of body. Above is my work in progress:  a mandorla of gold interlocking two unusually shaped parts of me.  It’s not finished yet, but I wanted to highlight a work in progress. It was after I started painting that I got the good news/bad news.

The night I began the painting, I had a dream about my health that featured an old listless alligator, but that is a subject for the next post.

What an interesting juxtaposition of intention and events. Not exactly sure what that means I’m supposed to do next, but I do see that something is going on that can be quite meaningful for me.

Thanks for reading,

Cat

Relearning yet again what I already know; or timelessness, part 2

Beauty

Hello dear friends,

Do you ever find yourself re-learning all kinds of things that you thought you really knew?

I want to live in the moment called “kairos,” that is, in “sacred time, THE moment,” rather than in “chronos,” the day-to-day scramble to get more things done in less time, more efficiently.  And I do get those “kairos moments,” as I call them, pretty regularly.  Other phrases describe these experiences, too:  “going with the flow,” “in the Tao,” “timelessness,”  “Flow,” “enoughness.”  It’s the sense, for me, of extreme “all right-ness,” and occurs when I’m painting, when I’m alone in nurturing solitude, or when I’m having a “d & r” — a “deep and real” encounter with a loved one.

Recently, in light of how much I’m enjoying arting, I’ve signed up for a myriad of art journaling courses on-line, and amazon certainly knows by now just what books to suggest to me.  So now I have potentially hours of videos to watch and books to peruse, and it’s so ironic that this abundance in my life has become a source of anxiety as well as the inspiration I was hoping for.  I have the urge to tell dear spouse and dear son to just go away and leave me alone so that I can watch my videos online.  I’ve found myself organizing the downloads efficiently and counting the hours of each, placing them on my to-do lists for the perfect times and days when I’ll most probably be unable to “produce” and will need to just rest.  I worry that I won’t get them viewed before . . . .  before what?  Well, before it’s too late —- whatever that might mean!

I’ve been experiencing deeply my old familiar “I don’t have enough time!!!”

In speaking with an “anam cara,” a “soul friend,” about this, she slowed me down and asked if I’d ever had the experience of being filled up in a certain area of interest or study.  Yes, I had.  She then suggested going within to see what I really need.  Is it really more time daily to pursue these studies?  If so, how much, exactly?  As I settled in, feet on floor grounded, breathing slowed and monkey mind napping, I moved into the “d & r” moment.  The words came to me, “I DO have enough time to do all that I need.  Maybe I’ll actually do all that I have planned, and maybe I won’t, but I DO have enough time to do all that I need.  I have enough.  No worries.”

At the same time that I was experiencing that, my analytic mind was jumping up and down saying “Oh, another cliche, Cat?  Do you always think in cliches?  So how much truth do you think there is in a cliche, eh?  As if you don’t know this already!  Can’t you come up with something more original?”

And then another voice in my mind, a much calmer one, added “It’s okay.  It’s okay.”

“Oh, that’s just another cliche!”

The calm voice just laughed a bit, and I remembered how many, many times these mental conversations have occurred.  How many years does it take to deeply incorporate what I already know?  Well, I guess that’s why it’s called “practice.”  And instead of feeling badly about these repeated conversations, I actually felt rather kindly toward my inner voices.

Too often I find myself fantasizing about how much I could do if I had just one extra hour of productivity a day.  Then the other day a dear friend wrote in her blog about how much she wished she had more time to do all the wonderful things she wanted to do.  It was an “aha!” moment for me, as this friend is an extremely energetic and generous woman whom I had been envying for the “so many more hours” of time that it seems she has to do what she wanted and/or felt called to do.  This friendship has an added poignancy in that she has dealt with aggressive breast cancer this year.  I witnessed her growing weaker, sicker, and more fatigued as her treatment progressed, and her slowly coming back to health and energy.  It seemed to me that when she was at her worst, she had finally slowed down enough for me to keep up with her, energy-wise.  While I have rejoiced as she has recovered, I have also longed to “recover” more energy and health, myself.

My “aha!” was that if this energetic woman had so many things to do that she wished for more time in the day, then even if I had another hour or three in the day I would find worthy and wonderful things to completely fill them, and I would most probably keep wishing for more time, too.  That could become a neverending cycle! I didn’t want that.  It’s not actually more hours that I need, but more moments of that timelessness that I love.

Most of us don’t really need more; mostly, we need “deeper.”

Dear friends, how do you deal with these sorts of things?  Do you, too, long to go “deeper”?  Do you find it easy to do so?  I’d love to hear what you have to say.

With much love,

Cat

Making meaning, and timelessness

from my journal, Oct. 13

from my journal, Oct. 13

Hello dear friends,

There are many strands of thought tangled up within me.  First of all, with regard to the dealing with challenges theme of my blog, let me tell you of last night and good intentions.  For the past few days I’ve been feeling pretty good  — the nights are another story, but let’s stay with the days here — and I intended to publish a blog post last night, with the ideas simmering throughout the day.  Then, as night fell, so did how I felt physically.  I was just in too much pain to be able to write last night.  This needing to give up my plans is still so hard for me to accept with any grace.  What I need to do is to craft a life where there are few if any deadlines, and to accept the changes in how I’m physically feeling as we accept changes in the weather.  As in, “it’s just weather, man. . . . it’ll pass. . . . ”

Alas, I am not yet that accepting, even after years of practice.  (I wanna do what I wanna do, and I wanna do it NOW!!!)  Sigh.

Let me tell you about the photo above of a painting I did in my journal.  It’s from a meditation where I prompted myself with “I will go up to a bowl filled with water, and see what I shall see. . . . ”  I settled myself, relaxed, and set my intention that my meditation be healing, helpful, holy.  “Healing, helpful, and holy” are words of Dr. Estes, who calls this type of meditation trance work, a way of working that can access parts of our psyche that we don’t use in day to day consensual reality.

What I saw in my mind’s eye was a golden bowl on a small wooden stand.  All around me it was deep, deep blue.  As I looked into the bowl, the water slowly shifted in color from greyish gold to a lovely blue, and her face appeared.  She was so old and so beautiful, much more so than my painting reflects.  After looking at her smiling at me for awhile, I heard her say “I am always here for you . . . I am always with you.”

So.  For all of you who might say, “Well, you just made all that up!”  I answer, “Of course.”  This is a vision that is already within me, that my meditation and readiness allowed me to “see” and “hear” in a way that I can understand and that is helpful to me in my day to day life.   And yes, I also think that it came from outside of me, to the extent that all of us are connected in some way with all that is.  I understand it as a type of waking dream.

So what does it mean?  For me, I’m taking it mean (“making meaning, making soul”) that there is within/around me an older, wise woman archetype, perhaps a symbol of the divine in feminine form, a helpful, far-seeing, compassionate being who is always available to comfort and encourage me.  That by receiving her compassion I can be strengthened to myself be more compassionate to those around me.   And, that it is good and helpful for me to do what I need to do to remember these qualities that are both already within me and are in potential for me.  In order to remember these things, I need to step into moments of timelessness regularly, and not get into too heavy a relationship with my to-do lists and the stimulation of checking off just one more thing!

May she say similar things to you, in ways that are immediately recognizable and helpful.

With warmth,

Cat

Benign

A very short update to you:  Remember when I said I had a biopsy done for an enlarged lymph gland?  Well, found out today that it came back BENIGN. A lovely word!

It was a big day, taking my son to the university for a half-day event, which means walking about three times as much as I usually do, even for a day when I exercise.  Then I developed a migraine and sick tummy, worsened by taking Liberty home, and then going to the hospital for my appointment.

After everything, I came home and collapsed.  Slept for 2 hours.  Still feel like a truck ran over me.  Some days are like this.  Even ones with GOOD NEWS in them.

Blessings to you, and to me!

Cat

”Art”ing: a peek into my new life

Listening for Visions

The photo is one of my early paintings:  “Listening for the Golden Visions.”

Dear friends,

As you have seen in some of my photos, I HAVE STARTED PAINTING. . . . AND. . . ART JOURNALING. . . AND I LOVE LOVE LOVE IT!

The “cut to the chase story” is: I started painting in January of this year, and soon after, began art journaling.  I can’t begin to put into words how much this has been a wonderful surprise gift in my life.

The “story with the juicy details in it” is:  Around Solstice/Christmas time of last year I began to realize that I was starting into a depression.  Nothing was too serious, yet, but I felt strongly that I needed to do something to. .. . to what? I wondered.  Sitting with it some more brought me the words “I need some colour in my life.”  Well, I didn’t know what that meant.  My days were already full; I don’t like to travel because most of the time it’s just too much trouble considering my health and all the planning that has to go into it;  I already had some very good friends that I didn’t have time enough to see as much as I liked.  The biggest thing was that I really didn’t have the energy to “go out there and make something happen”.

Then “out of the blue” (does this ever happen to you?), totally unconnected with the thoughts of beginning to sink into depression, I remembered a woman, an artist, who had been to two of the Mysterium trainings I had been at.  The trainings, by Dr. Clarissa Pinkola Estes, are for “helping professionals,”, and have been held each summer for the past 3 years. They have been HUGE blessings in my life.

So I googled my colleague, curious to see if she had a website.  And DID she! Shiloh Sophia McCloud is an amazing, visionary artist, and entrepreneur.  One of her on-line offerings is a year long course called the Red Madonna.  In it, (totally summarizing here), each month she teaches through a series of videos how to paint a particular holy woman, while her mother, a writer, encourages the members to write a poem or prayer about the holy woman and how she exemplifies one of the Sephira from the Jewish Tree of Life teachings.  It is geared towards both artists and non-artists alike — or shall I say, “not-yet-artists”?

I couldn’t forget about the Red Madonna program.  I tried to, as I didn’t feel I had time to start some new project.  But I kept going back to the website, figuring out if I could do it somehow.  One thing led to another and here we are on month 10 of the Red Madonna:  Tree of Life, and I have 9 or 10 paintings I’ve completed.   I had NEVER painted before.  I mean, not even as a little kid do I EVER remember painting anything!  I had taken piano lessons, nothing about art.

Not too long after that I began art journaling through on-line classes with Effy Wild.  Both artists, like me, have a commitment to exploring the inner life of spirituality or the depth dimension.

I didn’t sink into depression this year.  In fact, it’s been one of the happiest years I’ve had.  Maybe art really does save lives.

I’m not technically proficient, but that’s never been a primary goal.  As I’ve said in a previous post, I find that my inner symbolism has a new language with which to express itself, and I find that exciting and deeply satisfying.  My intention is to include photos of my work with my posts, and sometimes tell you about the symbolism.  For example (briefly), in “Listening for the Golden Visions” I’ve included a spiral at the “third eye” chakra, the locus of the inner eye, and an “egg” necklace of possibilities at the throat chakra, the source of my voice in the world.  I find crows and ravens to be messengers and reminders of the Sacred Mystery within life, so she’s also listening to what the raven might tell her.  There are seven roses; roses are my symbol of mysteries unfolding, and seven is an ancient sacred number which alludes to many meanings throughout history.

What I can also tell you is that while it’s often quite challenging to find and to take the time to art, I either don’t have pain while I’m arting, or don’t notice the pain. That’s WONDERFUL!  And I love these side effects:  journals of images and a wall of canvases.

Do you have a satisfying way to art?  Has it helped you in any particular way?  Is it difficult to take the time to actually do it?

With love,

Cat