Dear friends,

It’s been a wild ride painting this most recent painting.  Several times I wondered if I’d ruined her, if I should’ve just left it alone at some previous version.  But I’d paint, then listen, then paint, then listen, and now I’m just so pleased with this final iteration.  She needed to be seen as though through water, sometimes half hidden, only appearing at the edge of consciousness.  I know what’s behind it all, and for me, it gives added meaning.

Here is the process, including some of the paintings I posted last week.

Warmly,

Cat

My finished Holy Woman of the Living Waters:

The Lady of Living Waters, in process

Dear Friends,

Here is how I attempt the process of a painting.  I think there will be several more stages still to come.  This is one of the paintings done alongside videos from my teacher, Shiloh Sophia McCloud.  This year we are following the directions, starting here in the WaterWest.  The painting starts with intention and prayer written in pencil right on the canvas.  The first photo shows the four elements building on top of one another, much as we know them in our daily lives.  The second painting shows you my little painting corner in my study.  I don’t use an easel, usually painting with the canvas flat on the desk.  It’s easier on my arms and hands that way, my legs, too!  Unfortunately, painting flat like that limits the size of canvas I can comfortably use.  This canvas at 24″ by 30″ is just a bit too big for comfort, but there’s also something exciting about painting large. The third photo portrays the circle of the 4 directions, where water is in the west, earth in the north, air in the east, and fire in the south.  Many different cultures’ symbol systems follow this pattern, with some regional differences.  The four directions and four elements are also reflected in our playing cards and the cards that were their ancestors:  the Tarot, coming to us from medieval Europe, but thought to be very ancient in the symbolism.  The four directions are also thought to portray different facets of our human lives:  in the west are our watery emotions;  the north has our body the earth and our physical body as well; the east’s air ideas represent the mind; and the fire of the south is our spark of passion, of life itself.

In the fourth photo I painted over the first layers, providing a watery background for my lady to appear.  And here she comes.  If you look carefully at the last photo, you’ll see the energy I imaginatively “charge” her with, pouring in my own hopes and feelings and prayers.  (Every particle dot a prayer. . . every radiating line a wave of energy. . . )

The wonder is also that while I’m painting, I don’t feel the physical discomfort that is my usual experience of life.  Some might say that it’s just a wonderful form of distraction, but I tend to think that there’s more going on than that.  I suggest that it has to do with deep relaxation coupled with alternating between the artistic/symbolic and verbal/rational parts of the brain as I become immersed in the painting and the meaning that I’m projecting into it.   And, though not as physical as a hike or a workout, painting is a physical, tactile experience of beauty and pleasure (at least until you discover the 4-inch blob of paint that fell, who knows when, onto the carpet!)

I wish two things deeply:  that every person finds and explores her or his own expression of beauty and pleasure, and, that I can finagle my schedule so that I myself can paint and write more often!

With loving swirls of teal and cobalt blue,

Cat

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—- Divine Spark, Cat Charissage, March, 2014

Dear Friends,

My painting afternoon went so well in so many ways.  Of course, there are things I would do differently or better next time, but it was a very happy experience for all of us who participated.

However, that night my dear body suffered greatly.  I was in quite a lot of pain, to the point where the medication couldn’t seem to touch it, and I alternately walked, stretched, and went into deep relaxation (when I could sit still, that is).  Not a lot of sleep that night, either.

My physical response to the day made me really question whether or not I could do what I so want to do:  have small groups of women here in my study, discussing and doing d & r’s  (deep and real things).  I thought maybe I should forget about it — the pain cost was simply too high.  But then I thought more about how I could organize things a bit differently so that I wouldn’t have to do as much moving, carrying, and using my body in ways that are just too hard on me.  As well, there were “first time doing this particular event”  and “first time working in this physical space” stresses that would not be there in future events.

Fortunately, even though that evening was really difficult, there was within me a loving self, a loving voice that wouldn’t let me start to blame myself for “doing things wrong.”  I mention this because we so often get swirled into a whirlpool of immediate feelings, and I want to encourage you to be aware that you can develop an “observer self” within, a part of you that does not need to get swept in to the immediate drama, whose voice can love yourself as you would love your own child.

And then I had a dream!  (Drum roll, please!  I was travelling on the back of an elephant, wearing 2 skirts of flowing gauzy cotton in turquoise and light purple, and I was going to meet my spouse, Andrew.

Short dream; one I could easily dismiss.  Except that I associated my personal memories and impressions of elephants to the dream, and imagined myself back in the dream in order to feel again what it was like.

I think of elephants as huge, but able to move in surprisingly elegant ways.  I think of them as very powerful and able to do work that demands massive strength.  I’ve seen elephants in parades, and loved their slow swaying walk that seems so full of majesty.  I think that if I were riding an elephant, I could see so much from so far up.

And it was then that the words “Move slowly, and have an aerial view” came to me.  Dr. C.P Estes often speaks of the aerial viewpoint, meaning to step back and try to see yourself, your challenges, and your environment of people and needs from a much larger perspective.  There we can see or intuit meaning that is just not available in the day to day grind.

I was incredibly encouraged by the dream.  It feels as if a wiser part of my psyche is reminding me that it’s okay to move slowly, both literally and figuratively, and that this has an elegance of its own, and that if I take a larger perspective on the physical difficulties of the day, I don’t need to interpret the day as saying that I cannot serve in some of the ways I feel most drawn to.  The aerial view is showing me that I am still learning how to use the space I have available to me, and how to steward and manage what energy is available to me at any particular time.

My wearing of those skirts in my favorite colors had me feeling beautiful and strong, and moving towards meeting my spouse felt that I was going home to comfort and love.

So, in working with dreams, the first thing to do is to write down everything that you remember about the dream, even if it’s just a fragment, as soon as possible after you awake.  In order to do that, I have a clipboard and paper, with a pen tied onto the clipboard, at the head of my bed, and I try to write down my dreams before getting out of bed.  (When my son was a baby and toddler, I didn’t have that luxury, and I so appreciate it now).

The second thing to do is to underline or list the major nouns, and then with the ones that have the “jing”, the energy that draws you in, write down your associations to those persons, places, or things.  What do you think, know, and feel about them?

I’ll talk more about working with dreams in a way that can bring insight and encouragement.  Do you now work with your dreams?  Have you had any that were consoling or encouraging lately?  Are there any dreams that you have remembered for years and years?

May you be blessed with sweet dreams that come true in ways that are good for you and for those around you, and with love,

Cat

Dear Friends,

For those of you who are in the Lethbridge area, I have two in-person events coming up soon:  A half-day of Painting as Contemplative Inquiry on March 1, and an 8 week Coming of Age Story Circle starting on March 19 on Wednesday nights. Here is more info:

The Spark:  Painting as Creative Inquiry

with Cat Charissage, Educator and Counsellor

I’d like to offer an afternoon of painting for women (daughters welcome) on Saturday, March 1, 2014 from 1:00 p.m. to 5:00 p.m. Does the idea of  painting an image of your divine spark, your inner self, or your muse pique your curiousity?

My focus is on Intentional Creativity, and on painting as a contemplative inquiry into the still, small voice within.  No previous artistic experience is needed.  I guarantee that you will go home with a completed 16″ by 20″ painting on canvas that you will be pleased with.

The afternoon will include Introduction and Discussion, Quiet Time, Writing, Painting, herbal tea and laughter.  All supplies will be here. As I can only take 4 participants at a time, there is plenty of time for individual instruction and attention.

Cost is $55 plus $15 for supplies. (Total:  $70)   If the cost is a barrier to your coming, talk to me, as I am committed to making these workshops available to those who wish to be here.  Scholarships and/or work exchanges are often available.

For Registration or Information, contact Cat at catcharissage@gmail.com

ABOUT ME:  I specialize in exploring the Depth Dimension of life, helping people to articulate their true selves and make meaning through the paradoxes and challenges that life gives us. In 2013 I added Painting as a new language for symbolic expression, and I study with Shiloh Sophia McCloud, Visionary Artist.   I am a student of the wisdom traditions of the world, and have a Master’s degree in adult Education,, plus a B.A. and 4 years of graduate study in Theology. I’ve 30+ years’ experience in working with both groups and individuals in the recovery from trauma and violence, and in creative and spiritual growth, including 6 years with the Sexual Assault Centre London (Ontario) as counsellor and Executive Director.  I also mentor others in self-directed education and the development of critical thinking. I’m passionate about writing, dreamwork, and art as creative ways to live a deep and meaningful life, and I actively engage in ongoing learning and reflection, most recently with Dr. Clarissa Pinkola Estes (author of Women Who Run with the Wolves) in both her Mysterium and Original Voice series of intensive courses.

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Please join me in a

Coming of Age Story Circle

An 8-week Contemplative Writing Inquiry for Young Women and their Mothers

Wednesdays, March 19 – May 14, 2014

There will be no meeting during Easter break, April 23. It is held in Lethbridge in my home study, with a maximum of 8 participants.  The format includes opening with a story or poem, then writing in response to prompts, with optional reading of our responses, and then closing with a poem or intention. Mothers would be expected to write also, and hopefully model sharing what they wrote.  Though all will be encouraged to share, no one is obligated to read aloud what they wrote, or even to write on the topic.

The focus is on opening up thinking and discussion about moving into adult womanhood, with also the purpose of creating community and/or to find other adult women as friends or mentors.

The evenings’ topics will be:  Coming of Age; Authority and the Authoring of Our Lives; Media, Comparison, and Never Feeling “Enough”; Power and Its Abuse; Friendship, Support, and Diversity; Values and Intimacy; Stewardship, Consumerism, and Getting Needs Met; and Leading Your Life, Leader of Your Life.

The cost is $160 for the young women, and mothers come at no extra charge. Young women can come on their own (with permission from a parent). If cost is a barrier, I’m committed to make it happen for those who want to be here, and scholarships and/or work exchanges are often available.

For Registration or Information, contact Cat at catcharissage@gmail.com

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As always, I so appreciate your reading my blog and your support.

Blessings to you,

Cat

“Listening”, from cover of art journal, 2013

Dear Friends,

This past weekend I went on a silent retreat at the local retreat center.  It was on Deepening Centering Prayer, and was sensitively facilitated and gently hosted.

It was wonderful:  deep inner rest;  blessed silence;  groundedness;  the silent companionship of the others.

Words don’t work very well in sharing with you what it was like.  Mystery, companioning, the Holy, mystery deepening me. ..  even if I don’t have words to adequately describe this movement of spirit, I am ever more fully convicted that attending (from the Latin, tendare, “to stretch”:  a stretching toward)  —- that attending to an inner live is valuable, meaningful, and compassionate to one’s self and others.

Though there was mostly silence, there was some talk of God.  But the more I hear this word, the more I honestly don’t know what it means.  What does it mean to say, “God told me. . . .”?  Yet after 30 plus years of wrestling with the angel, I do have a glimpse of what “God” can mean for us humans — an opening and unfolding toward a magnitude, a plenitude, a fullness not unlike a womb about to give birth . . .

But “God” is such a loaded word.  Lots of me wants to drop it out of my vocabulary entirely, not only because it’s so confusing and ambiguous, but also because entire indoctrination systems claiming authority based on that word, “God”, have caused such oppression, such suppression of critical thought, so many “oughts” and “shoulds” that have controlled and paralysed free souls.  And because people of “God,” mostly men, but women, too, have abused, tortured, and tormented so many boys and girls.  So many young souls have been internally colonized, soul-raped, lost, many for their entire lives.  “God” has “should” all over this earth, especially over the souls of otherwise conscious, beautiful lights.

I don’t want to be a part of all that; I don’t want to be associated with that.  To say I ardently hate all of that is a profound understatement.  I know that of course, it’s people who have perpetrated the evil, and that I “should” not blame “God” for this. I don’t blame “God”, but I do hold responsible those people who have claimed to be His (“His”?) spokesmen.

Yet, for many centuries, the only home for soul wisdom has been these traditions. In the west, Centering Prayer has carried the tradition of inner mystical growth. And so I mine the “God” traditions for what treasures they do hold.

I want and claim my inner life as a radical and political act, and I want to radiate, as much as I can, the soul virtues of love, light, compassion.

Join me?

With much warmth,

Cat

My “Wall of Honour”  July 2013

Dear Friend,

Today I want to talk about not talking.  About not reading and not listening and not watching.

As someone who has always had a prayer life, even in the midst of greatest doubts about the existence of anything beyond the here and now, I’ve nurtured moments of silence almost every day.  Recently my need for silence has vastly increased, and I have no idea whether this is a deepening of my spiritual life, or a symptom of my easily over-stimulated nervous system as part of the fibromyalgia.   I don’t know, and no one can tell me.  But silence helps one tolerate “not-knowing.”

What about you?  Do you have, or do you take, the opportunity to be in silence?  Turn off the music and the T.V., turn off the cellphone, and the computer?  What happens when you do?  Do the thoughts (“monkey mind” as the Buddhists say) drive you nuts? Or does anxiety drive you crazy?  Do you have musical ear worms?  Throughout the holidays, I has “Sleighride Together with You” driving me bonkers, and a friend to thank for starting it!  How do you get rid of those earworms?  Do you have to always have something to read?

There’s a lot to be said against silence.  The silence of woman abuse, child abuse, sexual assault MUST be broken, as well as the silence of addictions and that insidious epidemic of depression.  I can’t tell you the number of courageous, hard working, compassionate individuals I know who have quietly whispered to me that they are on antidepressants, as though they’re admitting to something shameful and weak, as though they “can’t take it”, as though they’ve “failed” at LIFE 101.  (To break silence:  I’ve been on antidepressants twice in my life.  They can be life savers, literally and figuratively.  There is definitely a place for them in the toolkit of helps and remedies.)

Considering the state of the world and of many of our lives, though, perhaps depression is actually the healthy response, the cry of our selves that something is drastically wrong.  This is another reason to break silence.

Some difficult silences should be respected, of course, when a secret is kept for one’s own protection or the protection of others.  We don’t yet have a world safe enough to reveal all secrets.

Two of my greatest teachers have written about what has remained silent that need not, should not remain so.  Sandra Butler wrote about sexual assault of children in The Conspiracy of Silence, and Dr. Clarissa Pinkola Estes has written about the healthy psychological development of women in Women Who Run With the Wolves and in the spoken word series The Dangerous Old Woman.

Dr. Estes’ work reminds us that when silence is opened up about the positive aspects of our lives, it can bring joy and possibility, love, acceptance, and mystery.

I’m talking now, though, about the awareness of unfolding mystery that may only be known through a practice of silence.  Dr. Estes speaks of silence as an instrument to be played, to be used for changing one’s consciousness.  It can be the rest between the notes of everyday life, the rest that helps us understand the meaning, or to create it, from the whole of the day’s sounds.

. . . .

NOTE:  I have had to take a short break from writing this post in order to do a necessary errand at Walmart.  Oh.  My.  Sunday afternoon at Walmart.  Black carts with people attached seemed like oversized ants pouring every which way from a disturbed anthill.  The fluorescent lights flickered.  The “music” irritated.  Talk about changing one’s consciousness!

It reminds me of how our taste buds, flooded with the salty, sweet, and/or fatty tastes of most food not made from scratch, can no longer appreciate the subtle tastes of unprocessed food prepared simply.   I’m also thinking about how I tried to go off caffeine, several times, when I lived in Toronto and used public transportation daily.  When I was caffeine-free, I could barely tolerate being around so many people.  It seemed I became so sensitized to every exhausted, frightened, or grieving face, every unhappy child, and every person dealing with disabilities that I was exhausted before I even started work each day, filled with anguish and helplessness at the state of things.  Perhaps caffeine was keeping me speeded up to the pace of the city, providing a type of numbness that enabled me to function more easily, if a little insensitively.  It has taken a long time to control how open I am in different situations — and not always successfully, as per my experience today at Walmart.

I also had the profound experience of  sensory overload when, at the age of 19, after having lived for several months in a convent without leaving its grounds,  I went to a shopping mall on a few errands.   I could barely walk in a straight line, so overcome with all the bright colors and smells of the department store.  I didn’t dare go into a music store!  (They had music stores back then, selling the new technology of cassette tapes as well as vinyl albums. . . )

And remember what happens when we turn off the bright lights and suddenly find ourselves in the dark?  We can’t see anything at first, but then we adjust and things that were just invisible a moment ago become visible.  Now, though it’s not a direct analogy, it can help us glimpse the idea that there are things we can find within ourselves that we can never find if the noise around us is too loud.  If we can let monkey mind settle, and our nervous systems to calm our incessant compulsions to do, do, do, there are treasures to find there.

I hope to write more about this.  In the meantime, please share your responses and experiences.

With much warmth and many blessings,

Cat

Over the years, I’ve had many night time dreams that have me going down into the basement of whatever house I’m living in, and finding new rooms there.  Or finding another set of stairs going down into another level that I hadn’t known about.  In those rooms are all sorts of different things, depending on whatever else was going on in my life at the time of the dream.  Sometimes it’s been old family furniture that is worthless and needs to be thrown out; sometimes it’s been boxes and boxes of fascinating books and archives that seem like treasure to me.  I’ve also had dreams of finding out that I had an attic that I didn’t know about, or going up into my attic to find an abundant cache of gems.   In one dream I found an new room several levels below my house, where I sat with a friend and had a great d & r (a “deep and real” conversation).

Well, there’s lots I could say about the probable meaning of those dreams, and perhaps I will sometime.  What I want to talk about now, though, is how to make some dreams come true.  Literally.

I live in a bi-level home, where you walk in the front door and there’s six step up to the main level, and seven steps down to the lower level.  (One of the side benefits of arthritis is that one tends to know exactly how many stairs it takes to get wherever you want to go. . . . )  I have my study on the lower level, filled with books, papers, paints, and canvases.  Filled to overflowing.  (My excuse is that it’s a small home.  My other excuse is that even though I may be only a few books short of an episode of Hoarders,  I do keep only the books I use or anticipate using, and besides. . .  if that’s my worse fault [a big “if”], well, get over it.)  But I digress.

I’ve been thinking for awhile that I want to do more small groups with women, facilitating Contemplative Writing groups or Dream Exploration groups, or even some Intentional Creativity groups in painting.  But where?  One of my limitations is that it is very difficult for me to do out in the evenings, and I work best when people come to me, i.e., to my home for visits or groups.  I have a Story Circle as well as art journaling afternoons around the kitchen table upstairs, but don’t want to increase the time that the kitchen is basically “off limits” to the other people that live here.

My study downstairs has always seemed too small to have more than three people in it at one time, and I’ve been eyeing the Video Room.  But that would again involve kicking out someone who lives here who is using that room as a “man cave.”  One of my gifts, though, is creating space where none seemed to exist before.  (Dear spouse calls that cramming too much into one cabinet, but he’s not writing this post. . . )  I started looking at my study, walking around with a measuring tape, checking out the sizes of bookshelves, tables, carts, footstools, and chairs.  I decided that a storage room might as well be packed to the ceiling, put some boxes and small furniture into the garage (well, asked the strapping teenager here to do the heavy lifting), took a few bags to the Salvation Army, and had a friend help me vacuum, clean and organize the room.

I measured and thought about what kind of table would work well for small groups.  My kitchen table is wonderful, but besides already being used in the kitchen, is too big for my study.  I thought an oval table that easily seated six, preferably with a pedestal base, in a light color, with chairs that aren’t too big, would be perfect.  I didn’t want to spend the money for a new one,  and I’m not one for following things like Freecycle, Buy and Sell,  or Craigslist.  However, my son volunteers for the Salvation Army Thrift Store, and last Saturday when picking him up, my table had just been put out onto the floor for sale, and at a price I would happily pay. All wood, pine, seats six, with three chairs (just the extra number I need), pedestal base, and just the right size.  And it’s already broken in!  It looks well loved, with a few scratches and stains so that when I inadvertently add a stain or heat spot to the surface I don’t have to get all upset!  In a stressful world, I want my furniture to be stress free.

My study is still filled with books, still has my comfy lazyboy chair, but now is spacious enough for a small group as well.  Dream come true: I found a new room in my basement!

Some things I learned (again) about making dreams real:  some days call for 15 minutes of work, 15 minutes of rest, but that still moves the project forward; other days call for only 15 minutes of work, and that still moves the project forward; things always take longer than you anticipate;  when you can’t have everything you want, now, you can often have what you most want, now; you can squish more square and rectangle containers on a shelf than baskets and circular containers;  exchanges of time and energy with friends and family are really win/win; and it’s always important to listen to your dreams . . . including your night time ones.

 a variation on Madonna and Child, by Cat Charissage

Hello Dear Friend,

Did you get a chance to rest over the Holydays?  What’s your favorite way to rest and renew yourself?  How do you make time for it in your daily (busy) life?

I both rested and put last year to bed, so to speak.  Since my old computer was not reliable, and Dell took almost 3 weeks to send a new one, I wasn’t able to do my regular online reading and exploring.  I only checked for urgent and important emails to respond to.  It was one of those blessings in disguise.  Starting just before the Solstice, I hauled out my year’s production of journals and arting, and read through 4 written journals and 6 art journals (which have a ton of writing in them as well, since I’m now only keeping the one journal plus this blog).  I try to do this every year between Solstice and the New Year, but am not always able to do so.  When I make the time, though, I’m always grateful that I did.  It’s one of the best ways possible for me to live intentionally and reflectively.

It was enlightening to see what I’ve done this year, and what I’ve NOT done.  I painted almost 15 paintings, written and arted those journals I mentioned,  helped my son in his self-education (well, it’s still “I homeschooled my son . . . ” but he is moving into more ownership and independence), worked with several groups of women, as well as with several individual women, went to two intensives with Dr. Estes, read about 55 books (depends on if I include CD series), resumed posting to this blog,  prepared over 150 sit-down meals, and lived through a breast biopsy, stuffed sinuses, flaming fibromyalgia, and awe-full arthritis, plus my spouse’s surgery and pre-surgery miseries, and my son’s getting braces.  Yet, I felt like I didn’t get done nearly as much as I had planned.  This journal keeping, memory keeping and reflecting on it, has helped me to know that this feeling is not a legitimate response to my reality, but is rather an old fear of not doing enough to “earn” my place on the planet.  Way past time to let go of that!

What I didn’t do, however, is just as important:  I didn’t do much house cleaning and hardly any grocery shopping; I didn’t do nearly as much “running around” as I used to; and I didn’t stress out about so many of the things that used to bother me so much.  I’m learning to let go, and to intentionally keep open space on my calendar and daily schedules.  Our Christmas was very simple.  We had Christmas dinner with our family in town, but didn’t try to travel to see Grandma and Grandpa.  My computer imposed internet break was very welcome (as soon as I knew a new one was on its way).

What about you?  Did you rest and reflect?  Do you have a regular break in your days and in your weeks?  I’m so convinced that the idea of a Sabbath is one we need to encourage each other to do; i.e., to take time to not do.  Personally, I fight FOMO all the time (Fear Of Missing Out).  Part of it is legitimately being responsible by continuing to learn in my areas of expertise; part of it is just wanting to be “in the know.”  While I can’t run around or travel easily, there’s still so many people to meet, places to go on the internet . . .

I’ll close by including these inspiring words of Wayne Muller from his book, Sabbath:

“Sabbath requires surrender  If we only stop when we are finished with all our work, we will never stop — because our work is never completely done.  With every accomplishment there arises a new responsibility.  Every swept floor invites another sweeping, every child bathed invites another bathing.  When all life moves in such cycles, what is ever finished?  The sun goes round, the moon goes round, the tides and seasons go round, people are born and die, and when are we finished?  If we refuse rest until we are finished, we will never rest until we die.

Hello dear friends,

My computer is in the process of dying, and one of its symptoms (among many) is that I can rarely connect to the Internet.  (That’s a contemplative challenge all on its own!)  Consequently, I’m not posting to this blog until my new laptop arrives in a week or two.

Meanwhile, just a thought:  Earthquakes raise mountains.

With warmth,

Cat